Tell me a joke please? “I’m... My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. Favourite answer. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200. Looking for funny jokes? “I’ll get you one.” As he walked to the back, the second guy explained, “We keep them in the storage room. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large. “Oh!” I shouted. These hilarious jokes will turn your frown upside down before you … So I had to put my foot down. My brother passed away this morning. How do you make holy water? What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Is there any way to make that happen?” Billy nodded. “Oh, relax. She starts having positive thoughts and dreams again. A carrot. One night, the phone rang, and Dad answered it. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes. —Heidi Berg. — Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) January 10, 2014. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. “Usually I just ask him to get in bed, and he does.” —Erin Dockery. Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. —Rick Brueckmann. I wore it confidently to an evening party and glowed when a woman exclaimed, “Oh, how stunning!” Yes, I was grinning from ear to ear, until she added cheerfully, “Hang on to it, honey. These hilarious jokes are so silly that even the most serious people can't help but laugh at them. “Turns out we were supposed to shoot around it, not hit it.” —Patrick McSherry. “No, he just ran out of gas.” Dad was quite pleased with himself over that one. What's the best thing about Switzerland? When will the little snake arrive? — Brett Ryland (@brettryland) December 15, 2011, ANYONE WHO IS MORE INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A HIPSTER & ANYONE WHO IS LESS INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A BRO & I AM MAD AS FUCK AT ALL OF THEM, — Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) May 14, 2014. “I wear this for Mommy so she can show Daddy when he gets home.” —James Avery. I grew up hearing my dad tell a joke about a Mrs. Dunn, whose son, Timmy Dunn, had left Ireland for America, never to be heard from again. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" “Yeah, I got in a lot of trouble for that,” the gunner said. My name is Mike, I work for the county engineer’s office, and I’m the genius who designed this!” Surprisingly, he still gave me a tip. Is this a problem?” —Carol Harper. Ketchup. You stay here. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? So what’s the Wi‑Fi... After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, the presents in my closet are yours.” She whispered back, “If anything happens to you, everything in your closet is mine.” —Dean Simpson. — Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) July 31, 2011, what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid, — famouscarb (@famouscrab) January 10, 2012. Suddenly, quips that once made you double over are now seen as juvenile, and ridiculous movies you once found hilarious now fall flat. They planet. Has anyone in your family been diagnosed with HS or experienced HS symptoms? Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? cheese." Teaching is not for sensitive souls. “What’s this for?” I asked. The first day on the job, he opens his lunch box and mumbles, “Oh no, peanut butter!” The next day, “Peanut butter again!” This goes on for days, until another worker says, “Why don’t you ask your wife to make a different lunch?” Joe replies, “I’m not married. “Baltimore,” said Dad. “Two-day shipping will cost $12.95 to get it there by Friday,” my coworker Billy told her. “But that would ruin his credit.” —Jeannie Gibbs. The friend explained that as a diesel fitter, my dad’s responsibility would be to pick up each garment as it came off the line, look it over, and then hold it up and announce, “Yep, deez’ll fit ’er!” At least, that’s the story my dad told a thousand times. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. Here's my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. I don’t even remember how to curse.” “You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.” —Submitted by Rose Mattix. And a chair. He storms back to the yard... A customer walked into my clothing shop and asked to see the pants that were advertised in the paper that day. He shrugged. 14. I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Between you and me, something smells. Me: We have running shorts. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't". You've never seen (movie title)?!" Tooth-hurtie. Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. Because seven was a well known six offender. What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? My grandad used to make me laugh with this! But it's always important to talk to a dermatologist about any medical concerns you may have. “Sure. In the last 6 months, have these bumps reappeared 3 or more times? To resolve conflicts between management and staff, I brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. Our boatswain’s mate was a smoker who would toss his matches overboard. via rd.com. He then asked for some e-cigarette products and handed me his ID to prove he was indeed of age. Was he dead?” Dad shook his head. 11. So I pushed her over. Scene: A sports store. And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". “Now I just wish you could.” —Megs Brunner. I handed her the penny. Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend, “Soon I’ll never need to go back to the beauty salon. What did the left eye say to the right eye? I wore it confidently to an evening... Dad always bragged about the gunners on his ship. Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend, “Soon I’ll never need to go back to the beauty salon. Can't believe how different booty calling and butt dialing are. 24. This was my favorite: There was a young lady named Mabel. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day. I make my own lunch.” Whether or not anyone else laughed, Dad certainly did. Keep your chin up cuz when it's down it looks like there's two of them, which is gross. One day, I was driving over a new bridge, the design of which was very... To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house. So do we. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. Why is England the wettest country? What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Then one day, he surprised us all when he popped a cigarette in his mouth and produced an expensive lighter from his pocket. While everyone else was howling at one of his punch lines, my mom would always respond, “Bernard, no... My dad used to sing little ditties. On Dad’s first day, the friend took him to the production line where he would be working. He said "Theres only room for 1, so who ever can can make me laugh gets in" the first guy said "I was in my apartment on the 62 floor of my building when I stepped on my sons skateboard I went over the railing and thankfully caught myself on the 32 floor railing then a guy walked over, I thought I w, after returning from a pleasure trip to Xinjiang. Then he remembered what I’d said and confidently called out, “Acura!” —Linda Price. What does a nosey pepper do? Wataaaaah! “Look at that. Sneakers. After completing this quiz, please talk to your dermatologist about your answers as soon as possible. The cruiser opened up, shells furiously flying all around... During World War II, my father often found himself stuck with KP duty. Learn more about Thought Catalog and our writers on our about page. A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him: The patient says"this is a little embarrassing so please don't laugh", A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. I used to be addicted to soap. She danced on the dining room table. How does a squid go into battle? If it was a blustery day, you could be sure to hear my dad remark, “It was so windy today, I had to wrinkle my forehead and screw my cap on to keep it there!” —JoAnn Evjen. —George Brown. Reply. The last thing you want is some to say “Tell me a joke,” or to be in a room full of funny without any prepared material to contribute. Thanks. The definition of a perfectionist: someone who wants to go from point A to point A+. Learn more about working with Thought Catalog. —Bill Woodman. Everyone loves witty jokes. Get jalapeño business. “It’s to turn red lights green,” he replied. Parallel lines have so much in common. Bartender: Three dollars. One cow says "Did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. Put more on people please ! I don't know and don't really care. Everyone loves witty jokes. Mom admitted she didn’t have anything particular in mind, and the pair started chatting. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. I’ll go on ahead. Phillipe Phillope. Google: Have you looked in the mirror today? The other says, "I'm a big metal fan.". Share. For example, my Twitter is basically a résumé of the pathetic attempts at humor that people who interact with me daily have to deal with. These kind of jokes always make me laugh a little, if you don't get it at first.. think about it! — Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) August 20, 2013. — Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) May 3, 2013. 3. Feyoncé. It's important to talk to a dermatologist about any medical concerns you may have. When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream? —Matt Rizzo. She still isn't talking to me. “Sure,” said the first guy. The other guy replies, "You're on the other side!". It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. "I stand corrected!" A customer walked into my clothing shop and asked to see the pants that were advertised in the paper that day. If we leave them out on the counter, people just come in and take them.” —James Nealis. Ed: I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. — Will Phillips (@TheThryll) September 5, 2012. At his funeral, the preacher said, “In his lifetime, this man told thousands of jokes, but they were always the same one.” —M. —Constance Normandeau, There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. A blind man walks into a bar. I already have one of those.” —Julie Phelan. Where do you find a cow with no legs? 1. During a job interview at the 99 Cents store, my son was asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” My son’s reply: “At the Dollar Store.” He got... Two guys stole a calendar. A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. To hear these total groaners! Headline from the Seattle PostIntelligencer: “Mom Warns Son to ‘Watch Out for Idiots,’ Rear‑Ends His Motorcycle.”, Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password? 6. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make... As my two sons were climbing into the back seat of our car, Eric, five, yelled, “I call the left side!” That didn’t sit well with Ron, four. We recently asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the dirtiest joke they've ever heard. Submit your writing to be published on Thought Catalog. Ahead, we've rounded up the funniest silly jokes everyone will love. My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? During World War II, my father often found himself stuck with KP duty. He's all right now. —Beverly Gross. Roberto. As many of you know, corny jokes that have terrible puns and/or cringe-worthy punchlines some of my favorite things.