His wife asked me to speak at his funeral, but to please keep it short. Funeral Procession You might be a redneck if… you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time. The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." – 1963) convicted murderer. Curious, he asks the man what happened. A Death Cartoon that illustrates "full couch" viewings and the importance of good shoes. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!". The priest during the ceremony continues with the compliments: - The deceased was a good husband, an excellent Catholic, an exemplary father! Alex and three of his surfing buddies have gone surfing every Saturday for nearly thirty years. And they are on a plate of four of them, just o, Maybe because they have a grave atmosphere, He tells the receptionist, “my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.”. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Official Southern Ladies’ Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral. "Maam, I'm sorry to bring this up to you, but we have an issue with your husband. In the city a funeral is just an interruption of traffic; in the country it is a form of popular entertainment. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. Her friend says, Me: I was the only one with him when he fell off that ladder and lost his life, I will never forget his haunting last words. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. By the way, this page has a section with flirty one liners specifically for Tinder. A man has just died in a tragic car accident. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Now you can easily and quickly add contacts from your email account (such as Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo etc. "Hey buddy, do you by any chance know the Wi-Fi password about these parts? I hope you go before me because I don’t want you singing at my funeral. Mary is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Yo mama so chatty she gave a eulogy at her own funeral. He then passed his hand over my head and left. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust” The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora.". I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral – which I thought was cocky. You might be a redneck if… your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow. Joe is alone in the room, out of curiousness he looks under the sheet covering a corpse on the embalmers table. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. Absolutely hillarious death one-liners! Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. “The people voting for the Oscars are so old. The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. commented her husband But all mine ever says is goodbye.” “A … Noah Webster was an important man in the field of lexicography. Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy. One Saturday, the guys are surfing near a highway when a funeral processional drives by. With a giant cork protruding from the rectum. Did you hear McDonald killed Burger King in front of Five Guys over that skank Wendy? I guess people were really dying to get in there. We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away." Can anybody please tell me why the widow got mad at me at the funeral? I am making it my job to put the "fun" back into "funeral." "Oh, how sad," the man said. When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when you die?" Jolson’s funeral was widely attended by those who wanted to make sure. finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their lightning, followed by terrific thunder. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. Soon there after the last child is born her husband dies. 56. From the pew behind, a tap on the shoulder: One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. At the funeral, the funeral director was looking real awkward and pulled Mindy aside and says to her. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. "A shilling?" Joe taps on. I'm taking Dairy Queen. When Donald Trump died, an elaborate wake was planned. The body lays face down. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. There's one less drunk. It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease. with her second husband. An example: A tombstone has the inscription, "I finally achieved a Size 0 Carbon Footprint.". No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?" This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld. Funeral A man has just died in a tragic car accident. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa in there. Cemetery, Tombstone & Halloween Cartoons. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal? It's hard to come up with an original erection joke. One of his first tasks is to sweep and mop the embalming room floor while the embalmer is eating dinner. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Doctor's Funeral The competition is stiff. Jeff Foxworthy (1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality After attending a funeral I told my wife I wanted to die while having sex. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. Funeral The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus. The widow turns to one of her children and whispers in her ear: Instead of manually entering the email addresses you want to send to each and every time, you can now create your own personalized contact list that will be available for you to use any time you want to share one of our posts with your friends and family. ", A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. He puts his hat back on and gets ready to take his shot when his partner stops him and says, "Hang on. After twenty years of work at the same position, one day he died. They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones. RUINED!!!!!!!! Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. He slides the dress over her but stops short when he notices a big shrimp is stuck in her private parts. A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of ", Irish opened his lunch box and exclaimed "Colcannon again! ", An old man was accounting manager in a company. I didn't enjoy it." Well, Alex lays down his board in the water, stands up on his board and places his hand over his heart. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. So i go to the nearest cemetary and discuss the arrangements, i remember that my husband wabted to be burried in a fine black suit. When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. All his friends came in one car. Can I have one for a Dream Funeral? As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. What did Kanye West say at patrick swayze's funeral? Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. The widow nods. They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can’t come. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. You see, he has a massive erection and coffin won't fully clo... read more My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. So then everytime i go to a funeral with him, i poke him and say, " You're next." These clever one liners on life are perfect for any occasion. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in Finally they agreed that the one who died first would come back and tell the other if they played football in Heaven or not. When the pastor He turns to the people around him. A guy is walking down the street and sees a massive funeral procession. Number two is death. The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. It goes down the road gaining more speed. Amazing tradition. “A cement mixer collided with a prison van. The Johnson family will attend the funeral of Susie's former husband, who died in Flint, Michigan tomorrow. The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange. I said, “ok, but it will totally ruin my day…..”, That way they can all let me down one more time, The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?".